As far as the east is from the west

He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:10-12 (NIV)

I needed this reminder today as I continually beat myself up in my mind about different things. If God doesn't continually think of our sins, why do we? I have the ability, the right, and the obligation to confess my sins and MOVE ON.

It is fitting that today is exactly 5 months after the day that changed my life and the lives of many others.

He's Been There

My dear husband wrote this for me after he read my recent posts. He said they were depressing.

So you say you want to give up…you want to give in.
You’re tired of the potholes scattered on life’s road.
You tell your self one day it will be better.
But deep inside you wonder if it’s true.
Even though life may never be perfect;
There’s Someone believing in you and He wants you to believe in Him too.

He knows your deepest secrets.
He knows your hidden fears.
He sees you when you don’t think you can carry on.

He cares when you are lonely
He wants to heal your pain.
He’ll help you when you don’t think you can carry on.

He’s been there.

Day after day he hears you say “when will this ever end?”
Your life’s a mess you feel distressed you forget where you have been
Battered, beaten, tired and worn you fall down in your bed.
You grab the book that looks like your life, lying on the stand.
As you look upon the faithful page you remember that He said…

Jesus is the one you know who’s been there all the time
He lived a life of innocence yet still He had to die.
He know what you are going through ‘cause He’s been there Himself
When all the crap life give you makes you feel you’re all alone.
Just remember …

He’s been there.

Adoption process in progress

I am terrified and excited all at the same time. There are so many variables that could thwart our plans before a child ever makes it into our home. Nevertheless, we are waiting on paperwork from the social worker to start our homestudy.

What now?

I've given up on the idea of having a devotional blog. To be honest, it feels too fake to write about hope and patience when most days I don't have much of either.

If you happen to read this, please pray for me. Pray for me to listen to my own advice. Pray for me to be able to trust God in all things. Pray for me to stop being paralyzed with fear and disappointment. Pray for me to stop waiting for something that may be a long time coming and start living...today.

The Lord is good to those who wait

Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.
This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.
It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3:19-26

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord.

How is one supposed to wait silently for something that causes so much pain and grief? I'm sure I could come up with some long philosophical explanation, but I'm not sure it's that simple.

The answer probably lies within the phrase "to the person who seeks Him", similar to "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness" in the Sermon on the Mount.

But like so many other things in life, knowing the right answer and doing the right thing are totally separate actions.

I'll bet you've had about enough

I'll bet you've had about enough
of people telling you how strong you are
and how great you're doing during
this awful, difficult period in your life.
Maybe you'd rather hear someone say
how much this sucks, how outrageous
and unfair it is.
Maybe you'd rather hear
someone tell you that you don't
have to be strong all the time.
Or that it's definitely okay
to curse fate and throw
a tantrum or two.
So here I am to tell you
all that stuff and more,
to let you know where I stand,
which is right in your corner.
There's no right way or wrong way
at a time like this.
However you work through this thing
is immaterial to me.
All I care about is that
you ask for what you need,
lean on those who love you,
and try to trust me when I say
that you'll come out the other side.
--Jeannie Hund

I received a card with this message yesterday from a lady from church. I don't know her very well, so I don't know if she's very intuitive or if she just got lucky. But this is the best card I've received.

I'm never sure what to say when people tell me, "You seem to be handling this really well."

Is it supposed to be a compliment? Am I supposed to feel stronger because I appear to be coping better than they think they would if there were in my situation?

Or am I really that good at faking it?

No one sees how many nights I cry myself to sleep. No one sees how many days I sit at my desk at work and stare at the computer, not able to get anything done. No one hears the cries of my soul. No one knows how I torment myself with thoughts of how one different action on September 19 could have changed my life and the lives of many others.

What would they think if they knew what was really going on with me?

I'm thankful that some people know that sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes it's okay to not want to get out of bed. Sometimes it's okay to kick and scream and cry.

And some day I'll come out the other side.