Letting Go

My friend Karen shared this yesterday:

I taught myself a lesson today. Or I guess it would be more appropriate to say that God reminded me of something through my own words.I was putting supper in the crockpot, and I called 4yo dd in to get the cans I had opened (from corn and black beans) and take them to the recycling. This child always insists on hanging on to whatever toy or book she had in her hand when she was called (I guess so no one else gets it) and trying to do what I tell her at the same time. So she tries to tuck this huge book under her arm and carry two cans in her hands. I knew that she would drop the book and/or the cans, most likely spilling the leftover juice all over the floor on the way to the porch where we keep our recycling. I said to her, "Put the book down. You can't obey if you're holding on to something else."Then I thought, wow. Isn't that the truth? How many times have I tried to obey God while still holding on to my own agenda or dreams? It was a reminder to me that I can't truly obey God if I don't let go of my plans, and just put all my stuff on the floor.Thanks for letting me share.

I've been thinking about that along with the questions I asked myself in my last post. Have I let go of my dreams and embraced God's will? I like to tell myself that I have.

Just this morning, my dad left our house with a beautiful set of crib bedding that we purchased when we were on the newborn adoption path. That was this year. February, I think. I sent it off to go to my sister, who's expecting in February 2006. Sending my baby stash to her was my idea. Lots of people say I'm crazy for doing it, but I think it's the right thing to do. I've come up with a lot of logical arguments about how she really needs these things right now and I don't, but deep inside I know that I really did it for me. I need this physical act of letting go of my dream.

Don't think too much of me for that. Even if it has a positive outcome for someone else, I still did it for selfish reasons. My best interests are still the ones in my mind.

I know J doesn't have much (any) money. I know that this is for my niece or nephew. I know she doesn't have nearly the resources or social support that I have. The things I give her will be used and needed. But I think I feel a need to try to make this bad situation into a good one. I have to be able to fix the problem. I have to find some reason for why God allowed this to happen, to make some good come out of it. I did it for me.

So did I really let go?

Well, after my dad left (with my beautiful barnyard crib bedding), I went to work and sat at my desk all day. I didn't do anything worthwhile at work. I mostly just stared into space and obsessively checked for updates on my favorite websites.

I didn't let go.

I just tried to convince myself that I had.