Peace Be Still update

I survived teaching the workshop on peace. (Thanks to Karen who's "letting go" story fit right in with my lesson.) I had a lot of comments about it afterward, and I made a few people cry. I always wonder what the real effect was on people when I teach. I know that sharing my experience can have an effect on people - it's a pretty traumatic story. But did I teach them anything? Did they learn that God is faithful in everything, even when it doesn't seem like it?

And then I wonder about my delivery of my message. I hate going to ladies' retreats and programs and just hearing people tell a bunch of funny or sad stories. I don't want to hear a bunch of stories. I want to learn more about God's word and His will for our lives. I want to be encouraged to be faithful and inspired to step outside my comfort zone to find new ways to serve. I like to hear a lot of Scriptures, but it needs to be balanced with practical application. I'm afraid I didn't use a lot of Scriptures when I was speaking, but I did have a lot of Scriptures on the outlines I handed out. Is that enough?

And then I wonder about people's overall impression of me. Having an extraordinary experience and surviving it seems to make people appear to be extraordinary. I'm really not. The truth is that many days I barely get by, and I know that I only get by with the grace of God. But do people see God's grace and mercy and strength in me, or do they see someone who thinks she can get by on her own?

I know that it doesn't do me any good to dwell on these questions. I can be confident in the fact that I spent a lot of time preparing my lesson and that I prayed about it. I did what I could, and I can't undo or redo any of Saturday. But as I was discussing last night with a missionary from Ghana, I'm a control freak and a perfectionist. As we were discussing our plans to adopt in the future, she said, "you'll need to let go of that when you have kids."

I know. I know.

Letting Go

My friend Karen shared this yesterday:

I taught myself a lesson today. Or I guess it would be more appropriate to say that God reminded me of something through my own words.I was putting supper in the crockpot, and I called 4yo dd in to get the cans I had opened (from corn and black beans) and take them to the recycling. This child always insists on hanging on to whatever toy or book she had in her hand when she was called (I guess so no one else gets it) and trying to do what I tell her at the same time. So she tries to tuck this huge book under her arm and carry two cans in her hands. I knew that she would drop the book and/or the cans, most likely spilling the leftover juice all over the floor on the way to the porch where we keep our recycling. I said to her, "Put the book down. You can't obey if you're holding on to something else."Then I thought, wow. Isn't that the truth? How many times have I tried to obey God while still holding on to my own agenda or dreams? It was a reminder to me that I can't truly obey God if I don't let go of my plans, and just put all my stuff on the floor.Thanks for letting me share.

I've been thinking about that along with the questions I asked myself in my last post. Have I let go of my dreams and embraced God's will? I like to tell myself that I have.

Just this morning, my dad left our house with a beautiful set of crib bedding that we purchased when we were on the newborn adoption path. That was this year. February, I think. I sent it off to go to my sister, who's expecting in February 2006. Sending my baby stash to her was my idea. Lots of people say I'm crazy for doing it, but I think it's the right thing to do. I've come up with a lot of logical arguments about how she really needs these things right now and I don't, but deep inside I know that I really did it for me. I need this physical act of letting go of my dream.

Don't think too much of me for that. Even if it has a positive outcome for someone else, I still did it for selfish reasons. My best interests are still the ones in my mind.

I know J doesn't have much (any) money. I know that this is for my niece or nephew. I know she doesn't have nearly the resources or social support that I have. The things I give her will be used and needed. But I think I feel a need to try to make this bad situation into a good one. I have to be able to fix the problem. I have to find some reason for why God allowed this to happen, to make some good come out of it. I did it for me.

So did I really let go?

Well, after my dad left (with my beautiful barnyard crib bedding), I went to work and sat at my desk all day. I didn't do anything worthwhile at work. I mostly just stared into space and obsessively checked for updates on my favorite websites.

I didn't let go.

I just tried to convince myself that I had.

Peace, be still?

I'm teaching a workshop at a ladies' day this Saturday. My topic, which I chose, is "Peace, Be Still". I like my topic. I have a lot of material to work with and a lot of good ideas. There are lots of Scriptures and illustrations available. I've taken lots of notes.

But how do I teach on peace when it's something with which I constantly struggle? I realize that this lesson will be as much for me as anybody else, if not more, and I know that's not always a bad thing when teaching. What's troubling me is that I know all the right answers, all the things to do to fix it, all the right things to say, but I still refuse to do it. I don't like the constant anxiety and discontentment that's been plaguing me, but I don't seem to want it to change badly enough.

They say that the pain to change must be less than the pain to stay the same in order to have the motivation to make lasting life changes. What does it cost for me to stay the same? Is it more convenient to continue suffering from depression than to pull myself up by the boot straps? Can I actually use this to my advantage? Or am I hurting myself and those around me? Does it hinder my ability to serve? Am I ruining my witness? Am I causing irreparable damage in relationships? Am I afraid of success? Or am I afraid of failure?

I need to seriously evaluate these questions and consider carefully the answers. Peace, be still?

I'm back?

I've been reading lots of blogs and thinking lots of thoughts but haven't been blogging anything yet. I think I'll start again. Maybe I'll try to get some readers, and they can keep me accountable and we can have discussions and stuff.

So if anyone happens to read my blog, let me know what you want me to talk about, okay?